I’m not sure why or when it started, but I find myself filled with worry. I don’t recall this being an issue in my youth or even in my young adult life. Then, I became a grown-up I guess.
I went through an intense number of years not long ago when sudden job uncertainty struck and life as I had anticipated was turned upside down. That episode lasted, in total, about five years before it became clear my career would remain on the expected path for at least a handful of years to come.
At some point during that time I surrendered and worry all but left me. Not just about my job, but in all areas of my life. I like to think that I finally trusted that God would provide for me and my family.
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:38 NIV
Then, less than a year ago my son got in some trouble. Trouble that he’d been in for quite some time. Trouble that riddles me with guilt for not seeing it sooner or being able to prevent it all together. Trouble that in many ways I feel fully responsible for. Where had I been? How could I not have known this?
I’ve since learned, and recalled all too clearly from my youth, that there are some things a parent just can’t prevent, see, or repair themselves. It is a hard thing to grasp and accept. There is no doubt that my parents were clueless about things I wanted them to be clueless about. Even knowing that just doesn’t seem to make it any easier.
So, I worry now about him and so many other things that I can’t alter by my worry. I’ve been trying to pray about it, but those prayers just don’t seem genuine.
It is almost as though I want to worry. That somehow my worry removes any guilt I might feel later when something goes wrong. I’ll be able to say “at least I didn’t have my head in the sand…I mean, I worried about it. Well, not that specifically, but I worried about a lot of things and that was sorta like what I worried about.”
Just writing that sounds silly. Yes, things can get messy. Things will get messy. What exactly can I do about it by mentally water boarding myself? Not a darn thing.
So, admitting this is my attempt at letting go. Letting myself be vulnerable to pain and disappointment.
Today, I hope to once again put my faith in the Lord and trust him. Each day does indeed have enough trouble of its own.
Run in Peace, Rest in Grace