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Friday, May 31, 2013

Don't Wear While Broiling

Free stuff.  Who doesn’t like free stuff?  I received a “free gift” in the mail for renewing my Running Times Magazine subscription.  Said freebie was a Sports Watch (or looks a little like a sports watch anyway).

In addition to the most complicated instructions on how to merely set the time of day, it came with a *NOTICE* that contains amazing warnings about everyday use of the watch.  Yes, it was Made in China.

The comedy begins in Item #1.  Stop me when you feel the first speed bump.  “This watch is safe to wear while swimming and washing car,”  STOP.  Washing Car?  That’s strangely random.  Why not something more common like washing dishes or bathing a child?  If we are going to single out car washes we might as well get really creative and include volunteers in a dunking booth, water balloon fights, and shampooing a monkey.  Maybe this is a computer generated message that inserts something totally insane after swimming because the Chinese know darn well that any average red-blooded American doesn’t know how to read…read instructions that is.  They play joke.

The awesomeness continues with Item #2.  We’re still cruising through the Wal-Mart parking lot so expect another speed bump.  “Do not wear it in broiling or freezing environment.”  Hey, you’re supposed to say STOP at BROILING.  I suppose they needed something more extreme that HOT, but I think they overshot the thermostat with BROILING.  Maybe it is a typo and should read BOILING.  Oh, wait, that is too extreme as well.  This is a tough one.  Just when is it too hot for cheap electronic gadgets to operate safely?  Maybe they meant BOWLING.  Yeah, that’s better.  Don't wear while bowling.

I really don’t want to be accused of dog piling so I’ll stop my remarks with Item #3.  “Do not wear it in puissant electric field, static or high cycle environment.”  What the hell?  That’s funny.  They misspelled pissant.  Not sure what that has to do with an electrical field exactly or why they seem so concerned about wearing the watch in the circus while riding a unicycle during the high wire act.  Ah, those darn Chinese are playing with me again.  I never said I was very bright, but I’ll be damned if PUISSANT ain’t a real word.  Seriously, I looked it up.  It comes from Old French (figures) and basically means Powerful.  I have no idea how to pronounce it and would not recommend using the word in public.  You’re bound to get slapped.

Man oh man.  I’ve posted the full *NOTICE* below for your reading enjoyment.  If I get bored later, I’ll take on items 4-12 in Don’t Wear While Broiling, The Sequel.

Sadly, those folks over in China, who probably know about eight languages, have a bigger vocabulary than I do.  No wonder I’m the sap who shelled out my hard earned cash for a crummy “free” sports watch.

Run in Peace, Rest in Grace